A pet peeve of mine is being late. I hate that rushed feeling of knowing I am going to be late for an appointment or meeting a friend, so generally I can manage my schedule to shove everything I need in and be on time for things. This all changed once I had Sloane. Now, I find myself rushing all day long and being late for just about everything, other than seeing my clients. And I HATE IT. It is making me beat myself up, and be anxious.
This motherhood stuff is tough. I am not talking about the lack of sleeping, having someone be fully dependent on you, and all the crying. That's tough too, but I am talking about how much time it takes to go anywhere or do anything. It's not just about putting her in the car seat and then she decides to have a poop explosion. It's about making sure she's fed enough before heading out anywhere (at least since I am breastfeeding) so that she can make it until we are home again. Sometimes that's 20 minutes of eating, or it can be 30 minutes. Then, there's the burping and changing of either of our clothes because there is now spit up or milk all over it. And taking 5 minutes to settle her down in the car seat and searching all over to find the damn pacifier -we have at least 10 of them but somehow they are never around when you need them.
I used to be able to really narrow down my schedule. Have a client at 5:30, so set my alarm at 4:50 and hit snooze once. Then throw clothes on, wash my face, feed Jersey, make breakfast (and eat it), set up the gym with the equipment needed, train the client. Then, have an hour break between clients, so that would give me enough time to get in at least a 30 minute workout before seeing the next one. You get the point. Now, it's set the alarm at 4:30 (hit snooze at least once), pump for 30 minutes (since Sloane is sleeping through the night and I am not about to wake her up that early), get ready, think about breakfast but then forget until an hour after the client is already done training, get the equipment ready, train the client. Try to get a workout in, but Sloane wakes up so then I have to feed and change her. Next thing I know, the next client is here. And it's not until 11 when I am STARVING that I realize I hadn't eaten anything yet.
So last week I decided to make a change. I acknowledged it to myself and told Chris that it was really bothering me, and once I said it out loud, I couldn't just keep going with it. If you know me, then once I say I'm going to do something, I make sure I do it.
I have to make a conscious decision of what I want to do in my shorter breaks. I can choose to sleep in more, make and eat breakfast (side note, Daily Harvest smoothies have been a god send to me during this time in my life. I add a scoop of protein to them just for more protein, but at least I know I'm getting nutritious goodness and all you have to do is add milk or water to them and blend), or exercise. At least during this stage of my life, I cannot do it all anymore. What I choose to do is different depending on the day and what I need. Some days, like this past Saturday, I have chosen to sleep in 30 minutes longer. Other days, I give up eating breakfast (yes, I know it's bad and against what I tell my clients) to get in a good workout. Or I make a really good breakfast and get to sit down and eat it.
At least for me, in order to get rid of that rushed anxious and sinking feeling when I know I am going to be late, I need to make a choice. Hopefully, I get to squeeze a workout or cooking in during another break, if Sloane is sitting quietly or sleeping - and if not, I take her on a walk and she will fall asleep (plus I am really loving walking these days - anything to be outside) or order take out.
My life will never be the same as it was before. I need to accept that and make changes that work for me and my family. It's been a huge adjustment just being okay with not doing everything. I am a work in progress, but since I started acknowleging it, I am no longer rushed or anxious about being late.