Aside from middle school when I was a bit chubby once I discovered Doritos and cheese filled pretzels for lunch, I have always had an athletic body. I never thought of myself as skinny, thanks to self esteem issues, but I know I was slim and fit. But now, as my body is growing to accommodate Baby Callens, I hardly recognize myself. My clothes either don't fit at all or don't fit the same, making me uncomfortable in them. It's not just my stomach either, which by the way is still in the awkward chubby stage that none of my friends ever talked about. My chest, which has always been small, has more than doubled and my hips have widened a bit. I've taken to wear baggier clothes that I owned or to buy bigger clothes. Although I found that I do not really like the flowy clothes look - it makes me feel bigger than I am.
I went through my closet and dresser and pulled out more than half of my clothes that I know will not fit at the moment, nor will fill comfortable once I do have that cute bump. I gave a bunch of clothes to a friend who is the same size I used to be. I really have no idea how I will ever fit into my old clothes again. I know that sounds really dramatic, but it's true. And it's sad because there are some articles of clothing that I love. I had to buy a new winter coat that would zip up around the hips. My thinner coat cannot zip up anymore because it's too tight in my chest.
It's an internal struggle for me. I am fighting hard to do what I tell my clients to do - to love themselves for how strong they are and what their body does for them daily - but when I look in the mirror, I am not happy with what I see. I think once that bump becomes more pronounced, my feelings might change - not to mention, once I feel Baby Callens moving that will help to. But as for now, I'm just struggling a bit.
Side note, I have stopped eating most of the crap I couldn't stop with a couple months ago. Sure I eat carbs and some sweets every so often, but I am making much healthier choices - back to how I used to eat and I feel the difference.